Originally not aired on ??/??/????
Testing… 1,2,3; testing…
And we’re back!
The mics are working fine; they’re switched off and safely tucked away in the cupboard, and everyone’s favourite unrecorded podcast is back off the air.
Now, as you’ll remember so clearly it’s practically singed onto the back of your retina and fully integrated into the deep neurological mechanisms of your brain, the last series of this podcast was all about Christmas. Although we steered clear of religion in that series, Christmas is actually short for Jesus Christmas, and it celebrates the birth of a little baby called Jesus, named after God’s favourite Man City player Gabriel Jesus.
As you’d expect, Jesus was little baby back when he was born. A helpless baby who hadn’t even done his GCSEs yet. Raised by his mother Mary – who, incidentally, fought tooth and nail with God to call the baby Fernandinho instead – Jesus grew up, got his GCSEs (failed science) and became one of most important and controversial figures in western civilisation.
Like a lot of people in that day and age, Jesus died in his 30s. However, instead of dying from violent diarrhoea brought on by drinking dirty water like most people (not a funny way to die, don’t laugh… hehehehe), Jesus died for our sins on the cross. Also, he had a known history of stealing Mars bars from his local off-license, a crime at that time punishable by death.
This week is Easter week, or Holy Week as it’s actually called, a week where we mourn the death and celebrate the life of Jesus. A saviour to many, but a shitmunching shoplifting charlatan to others, this week, in, “Comedians Outside Edinburgh Getting Easter Hot Chocs” we aim to answer the question “Was Jesus a wrong’un?” once and for all.
The first guest to discuss all this and more with me is MATHEW WILLIAMS. Now, a lot of the time I write my guests’ names in uppercase for emphasis, but somewhat bizarrely, this is MATHEW’s actual name.
“Mum filled out the birth certificate in block capitals,” he explained. “She was a very shouty woman.”
His mother’s shoutiness persisted through his childhood. This had obvious negative effects, and when he was of a sufficient age, MATHEW turned to stand-up comedy to fix his mental trauma. Although comedy hasn’t quite given him the love he’s searching for, being on stage has helped him find the peace and quiet his childhood lacked. A lot of people think that comedy is about laughter, but actually people who study the form will tell you that it’s the gaps between the laughs that are most crucial, how you hold the silences. MATHEW is a master in keeping calm during these gaps.
“MATHEW, I once saw you perform a whole ten-minute set without getting any laughs whatsoever, and you just took it completely in your stride. Very impressive.”
“Thank you, Eric.”
Despite having one of the smallest laughs per minute ratios on the circuit, MATHEW’s unique brand of comedy still has a lot to offer. For example, his set is very moving, but instead of moving audiences to tears, he moves them to the nearest exit, where they’ll search for someone to give them a refund while angrily exclaiming, “what the fuck is this shite?”
After finding out a bit about MATHEW’s comedy background, I turned the conversation to religion.
“MATHEW, the death of Jesus got rid of our sins and also brought us hot cross buns, why do you think so many people slag him off still?”
“Well, to put it bluntly, Eric, it’s feminism gone too far. You see, nowadays, if a man is successful it’s seen as…”
What followed was a 20-minute rant about the #MeToo movement.
“You have a lot of anger and resentment inside of you, don’t you MATT?”
“Yes, Eric. Yes I do.”
Tune in tomorrow!