Unfortunately, I need to start off this week by telling you a bit of sad news. Last week, tragically, I lost my Natwest card reader meaning I won’t be able to make online payments to new payees any time soon. I’ve got very few options and the outlook is pretty bleak: I can either order a new card reader or I can look a bit harder for the one I already have. I’m too lazy to do either of these things so I’m stuck in a bit of a lose-lose situation at the moment.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to.
I stayed up on Wednesday night to watch the Republican debate because I had nothing better to do and watching Donald Trump troll a whole nation is much more entertaining than lying awake thinking about what it would be like to be less lonely.
It’s hard to see how he’s doing so well considering the things he says are so obviously outrageous. Having said that, I feel like there’s a part of me that enjoys being angry and annoyed at things that people say. Imagine having nothing to be angry and annoyed about; it’d be annoying – it’d probably make me angry. There seemed to be a lot of focus on war and conflict during the debate. Trump said that if he was president things would be alright because he’d be able to get along with world leaders and that he and Putin would probably be mates – as if all Putin wants is someone to play FIFA with.
I really hate war though. I guess I’m a pacifist, although I feel like I have to be. Most of my morals are based on jealousy and necessity: I’m a pacifist because I’m weak; I’m a socialist because I’m poor; and I’m a virgin because I’m physically grotesque. In an ideal world I’d be a warmongering capitalist slut, it’s just things haven’t really worked out for me.
Thursday followed Wednesday as per fucking usual and I had a gig to do in Leicester. The gig seemed to go fairly well and I enjoyed myself. However, I missed my last train home because when I was sat on the platform I was listening to Mika and not really paying attention. I normally like having something to blame when things go wrong and, although this was completely my fault, part of me wanted to believe it was somehow due to Tony Blair’s invasion of Iraq. Things worked out though and I need to give a big shout-out to fellow comedian Michael Dryburgh for being an absolute legend and giving me a lift to my friend Joe’s house.
Joe was very hospitable when I got to his house and he even offered to sleep on the floor while I slept in his bed. I felt quite guilty about this, but then I remembered that beds are my favourite things to sleep on so I stopped caring.
I went home the next day and have been inside pretty much since then. Things are quite tense at home at the moment because we’re at that stage of the toothpaste-consuming cycle where you really have to squeeze the tube hard to get anything out. This has put everyone on edge so I’m just trying to keep my distance from people. In fact, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts to keep myself as isolated as possible.
I listened to this Guardian debate about inequality. I found it quite challenging because it’s hard to know who you can trust. Everyone had different viewpoints supported by different statistics and I found myself inexplicably believing whoever sounded the least posh. I think I’m too gullible though and I feel like I believe whatever I read sometimes; that’s why I don’t read the Daily Mail, it’s too dangerous – I don’t think I’m cut out to hate Muslims.
Anyway, that’s pretty much it.
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