Originally not aired on ??/??/????
Hello fans, friends and Tinder matches that I prematurely invited to like my Facebook page, today is a special day.
Ever since the first series of my unrecorded podcast “Comedians In Edinburgh Getting Chai Lattes” finished in August, the question on everyone’s lips has been, “When are we gonna get more of this ground-breaking content?”
Well it is with great pleasure that today I launch my new 8-part Halloween miniseries “Comedians Outside Edinburgh Getting Pumpkin Spice Lattes”.
For a lot of people Halloween is about horror films and dressing up and going trick-or-treating, but for me it’s about challenging the narrative that for a podcast to be good there has to be some sort of audio-evidence of its existence.
So with that in mind, not only is today the first episode of my miniseries, it also marks the continuation of a powerful movement. That movement is in my bowels. And unfortunate as it is to have diarrhoea on the day I relaunch my podcast, I’m professional enough to soldier on through it.
Right, on with the show…
Birmingham’s very own musical sketch duo “Good Kids” joined me for today’s Halloween-themed episode and the only thing spooky about these two is their unique chemistry. These two are so close that they even finish each other’s sentences. Often incorrectly and somewhat passive aggressively, but just the fact that they’re comfortable doing that speaks volumes.
Both of Irish descent but growing up in the same part of Birmingham, Kieran and Tom have known each other since they were 3 YEARS OLD. To put that in perspective, that’s just 3 YEARS after they were born.
Kieran (the curly-haired one) says he met Tom (the other one) at Church and that he hasn’t looked back since.
(He later went on to clarify this was due to a severe neck injury he picked up that day.)
And since that initial encounter at God’s gaff, their friendship’s gone from strength to strength. Primary school, secondary school, sixth form, studying PPE at Oxford, joining the Oxford Revue, forming their own sketch duo and taking shows to Edinburgh – Kieran and Tom have done it all together.
“We’ve kind of lived the same life,” Kieran says, sipping on his delicious pumpkin spice latte.
“It’s so comforting to have someone who you share such a history with.”
“We do everything with the other person in mind,” Tom adds. “Whenever I go somewhere, I always ask Kieran if he wants to come as well, because I know whatever I’m doing will be ten times better with him by my side.”
At this point the two go to have a wee together, and I start thinking. Something about their closeness isn’t sitting right with me. It’s lovely and everything, but maybe their relationship is partly based on fear. Fear of facing the world as individuals, fear of what life would be like alone. But should two people be that dependent on each other? Maybe without the other person in their life they could grow and find out how strong they really are. Maybe they could realise their potential.
When they come back, I let them know how I’m feeling.
“Guys, while you’ve been in the toilets, probably crossing streams, I’ve been sat here thinking. And this is gonna sound mental, but I think you need to let each other go. I can see you lean on each other a lot, but if you spend your whole life using crutches, you’ll never know how fast you can run. Do you know what I mean?”
They both look at each other for a second, seemingly weighing up everything I’ve just said. I can see they’re re-evaluating their whole friendship. After a few moments, they turn to face me and in complete synchronicity tell me to “fuck right off.”
Tune in tomorrow!