Originally not aired on ??/??/????

ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to the Covid-19 pandemic (and it being difficult for me to get a member of the opposite sex to meet with me at the best of times), I have decided to postpone the current series of my unrecorded podcast “When Eric Met Females” until further notice.

 

HOWEVER, I am delighted to announce the start of new series of unrecorded podcasts called “Comedians at Home Self-Isolating because of Coronavirus”.

 

Isolated, bored, eating comfort food excessively and wanking themselves senseless – how comedians spend their afternoons will now extend to their evenings, and I’m here with my webcam and cup of tea to investigate.

 

This pandemic has hit everyone massively, but apart from those geezers that sell aftershave in nightclub toilets, perhaps the workers it will most affect are performing artists. Not only will incomes drop from almost zero to absolute zero – with the inability for us to perform in front of crowds for the next few months, comedians will go what’s known in medical circles as “batshit mental”.

 

With no way to get the validation we crave through live performing, we will turn to other forms to get our fix. I have spent the first week of social-distancing trying to launch a rap-career (check out my vids – seriously, please check them out) and I have also been posting erotica fiction online under the pseudonym “George Oral” (check out nineteen-tasty-whores on literotica.com). And while spitting bars and writing a dystopian story about a future where Big Brother turns us into sex-craving lunatics is good, it’s not the same as telling jokes to largely apathetic crowds up and down the country.

 

To discuss all this and more with me is today’s guest Riordan DJ. Former Chortle Student Comedian of the Year and current heartthrob, Riordan is one of my favourite mammals on the circuit right now. With an offbeat style and funny angles on any topic he tackles, it’s gonna be such a shame not seeing him shake his skinny-butt on stage anymore.

 

“I don’t see it that way, Eric,” Riordan told me, through his superfast fibre-optic broadband connection. “The way I see it, Eric, this is an opportunity for me to do what I’ve always wanted to do.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

 

“Get absolutely shredded.”

 

“Oh, really?”

 

“Yeah, let me prove it to you.”

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At this point Riordan took me on a virtual skype tour to his conservatory, which contained within it everything you’d need to become an absolute meathead. Dumbells everywhere and a fridge full of protein shakes, I could tell he meant business, and that business was personal training. As he showed me, he kept explaining how he was gonna use this time to get “bum-cheeks of absolute steel”.

 

“Can I ask you a question, Riordan – why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?”

 

“Like why get ripped, what’s it all for?” I asked, before being met with a stony silence.

 

I looked at his bemused face through the screen, and I suddenly realised how stupid my question was. The suspicion behind it seemed inappropriate, something that belonged to a bygone era. We live in a new reality where “why” questions seem intrusive. What people do to get by, and how they cope with things, is there own business. In the past, I would have looked at that conservatory full of weights and Rocky DVD’s and linked it to masculinity being in crisis. In the abundance of protein-shakes I would’ve seen a lack; a lack of real inner confidence, a lack in society’s definition of what it means to be a strong man.

 

And maybe those are still things that need to be discussed, but right now, Riordan is just a person trying to live his life and make it through. And if working on his glutes is his way of doing that, then so be it. I hope he gets the firmest and sexiest glutes he can in these next few months.

 

“Sorry, Riordan,” I said. “That was a stupid question. Anyway, I should probably go now and leave you to workout. When we’re allowed to hug again I hope you’re so strong that you squeeze me into two halves. Love you, man.”

 

I hung up and rated the phone call 5*s.

 

Check out Riordan’s upcoming YouTube series on how to get ripped. And remember, whatever you’re doing to stay sane, whether it’s writing erotica or getting shredded – you should know that everyone here at the podcast is fully behind you.

 

Stay positive and tune in next time! X

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