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Damon Conlan

Originally not aired on ??/??/????

What’s the point?

Why am I even bothering with this shitty podcast?

Like anyone cares about what I write.

No one gives a fuck about me, and to be honest, I doubt they ever will. Because why would they?


I’m ugly for a start. I’m sorry it’s just true. I have spots and a receding hairline and yellow-stained teeth and it surprises me that anyone can even bare to look at me sometimes. Tinder has been shit for me. Everyone else is having sex all-day and all-night off the back of Tinder and I’m just sat at home, eating coco pops (for tea) while writing a podcast. Even the fact that this podcast is incredibly original doesn’t give me consolation. If anything, it just makes it more frustrating that I’m having such a hard time getting this thing out there. iTunes still won’t have this podcast on their platform. Neither will Spotify. Neither will Audible. No one gets me. I’m a creep. A weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?


Things will NEVER get better.


Never never never.


These where the thoughts whizzing around my troubled mind as I rocked up to meet today’s guest on “Comedian’s Outside Edinburgh Getting Easter Hot Chocs,” Damon Conlan.


Now, fans of the show will remember that Damon appeared on the Halloween version of the podcast, where I ripped the absolute piss out of him and his comedy while sipping on a pumpkin spice latte. One thing I didn’t get into on that episode, however, was Damon’s Atheism. Devoutly Christian up until the age of 1, Damon lost his faith when he first realised that an adult covering their face with their hands doesn’t actually make them disappear.


“It was a game-changer,” he explained. “If my parents could lie to me about something like that, what else were they keeping from me? The idea of a talking man in the sky started to seem ridiculous.”


Fast forward 30 years and Damon’s Atheism is as much a defining feature of his personality as being the leader of a giant paedophile ring is to the Pope. Just about anything Damon puts out there these days is informed and influenced by his atheism. In fact, he’s even started writing erotic novels where the main characters engage in S&M while quoting Richard Dawkins’ book “The God Delusion” to each other. He calls this new subgenre “Atheist Erotica”. Saucy stuff.


“Damon, Jesus preached tolerance and forgiveness. How can you argue with that? He was a good bloke, what do Atheists have against him?”


“Atheism isn’t about having anything against Jesus,” Damon replied, licking the whipped cream off of his hot chocolate.


“Oh, what’s it about?”



“What do you mean?” I asked, not quite catching what he meant.


“Well, you see, Eric, beliefs are so crucial. Beliefs aren’t just abstract playthings of the mind. What people believe shapes how they act. The stories we tell ourselves are extremely powerful. Good people will turn into monsters if they have some core belief that backs up their actions. They’ll murder. They’ll enslave other human beings. They’ll even sabotage their own happiness. Denying themselves pleasures that every human being should be entitled to, like sex, like loving whoever the fuck you want. Living a life of misery, all in the service of a belief that has no real substance.”




“Atheism is about questioning these beliefs, and building new ones based on reason, creating a world where as many people as possible have the opportunity to flourish. Bad ideas and beliefs don’t allow people to flourish. They trap people. They limit what people see as possible for themselves. Religion is a madness that needs to come to an end.”


When he said that last bit, it kind of hit me quite hard. I started thinking about my own beliefs. Not about religion, but about myself. All that stuff I was saying at the start, the relentless self-hatred, where the fuck does that come from? I don’t really have any evidence to back those beliefs up. Nothing that holds up to any real scrutiny. I just decided these negative things about myself were true one day and I’ve been devoted to that story ever since. But they’ve done nothing but limit me.


Maybe it’s madness. Maybe it needs to come to an end.


I’m still gonna have an Easter Egg though.


See you next time! x

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