S1E4:
Jesus

Originally not aired on ??/??/????

TGIGF – Thank God it’s Good Friday!

 

We made it everyone. Holy Week is coming to an end and it’s time to sit back, grab a beer, eat some fish and enjoy Good Friday, the day we celebrate the brutal and drawn out death of Jesus Christ.

 

I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking about sex aren’t you? You dirty little cretin. You can’t help yourself. Literally. You have no control over it. Whether it’s every few seconds, or every few minutes, or even every few hours – whatever you’ve got it down to, you’ll never completely eliminate those impulses. Like clockwork, the thoughts keep coming. And for the Catholics amongst you, these thoughts are wrong. Really wrong. Sinful. As the culture around you grows more sexualised and more accepting of open conversations around sexual behaviour, it eats away at you. Not because you’re repulsed by the culture, but because you’re drawn to it. It’s part of how you’re programmed. Whatever the religious structures you’ve grown up under say, the far deeper biological structures endowed to you by billions of years of evolution are what are really in charge. But what do you do? Listen to the tenets of your faith, the thing that’s given your life meaning, the thing that knits your community together, or listen to your dumb monkey brain that just wants to fuck the nearest bit of flesh. Stay true to your faith, or stay true to your nature? It’s an almost impossible situation.

 

Sad init.

 

Go on, have a wank. You know you want to.

 

But apart from that, I know what you’re also thinking. “Good Friday, Eric!? What’s so good about it? Jesus died, for crying out loud. He was my favourite!”

 

Well, guess what guys? It may be almost Easter, but Lent’s not over yet, and this year I’ve given up letting down my fans*. So please give a massive round of applause for today’s guest on “Comedians Outside Edinburgh Getting Easter Hot Chocs,” Jesus Christ.

 

That’s right, he’s back.

 

Now, after some of the things I’ve said about Christianity in the last few days, I expected Jesus to come at me all guns blazing. I expected him to enter the interview swearing his mouth off, insulting me and my audience, calling me a liar, like a guest on the Jerry Springer show who’s spent the majority of the episode getting riled up backstage while people chat shit about them.

 

But when he sat down with his delicious hot chocolate, he was much more relaxed. He actually came with a message, one that I haven’t managed to work out. I think it was some kind of metaphor.

 

Our saviour said this:

“Eric, I’m not Jesus. I’m the comedian Jay Handley.”

 

Make of that what you will

 

See you next time! x