Musician/Iceland Sales-Assistant/Eric’s Housemate
Is Joe a real person or is he just a hologram that Eric projects around him at all times to convince people he has a friend? The answer to that either/or question is a definitive maybe. The truth is we can never really know the facts about any given person or any given situation. But if you want the version that Eric is putting together for the screenplay that tells the story of his life as a struggling comedian, then the story is as follows:
Joe met Eric at the inaugural Big Pie Show hosted by the Warwick University Pie Society in 2014. They were freshers at the university at the time and, in a very literal sense, feeling a bit lost. Accidentally wandering into the SU where the event was taking place, Eric paused and said to himself “Wow those are some big pies” only for the person next to him to say, “I know right, that Pork Pie is the size of a small chimpanzee”. Eric liked the comparison, and, more importantly, he liked the man.
They now live in Kings Heath in Birmingham in a house they cohabit with 8 cats, 1 dog, 1 pensioner, 1 Latvian, 1 bald guy and their landlord Palmer (More on Palmer below). They host a podcast called “This Is Content” together where they talk a lot about important topics such as micro-penises.
If you define success as doing your own thing to no critical or commercial acclaim (or even many compliments from friends) then Joe is an absolute mega-star. He has just released his fourth non-studio album, which you can check out here.
Arnold T. Rice
If Eric were an orchestra, then Arnold would be the conductor. But unfortunately, Eric isn’t an orchestra; he’s not even a guy with a violin or one of those small recorders that primary-school kids learn how to play. Nevertheless, he is trying to make comedy that is hip and current. And if Eric were an electric current, then Arnold would conduct that current.
Eric wrote his first blog in August 2015, and not having the gonads to publish it straightaway he showed it to Arnold. “You sure have something, kid,” Arnold said while holding a cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other, “but two-thirds of this is garbage.” Much like a balloon without air in it, Eric was deflated. Then Arnold said:
“Tell you what, kid, I’ll be your editor.”
Eric agreed, and Arnold took a puff of his cigar, before saying, “Great, now let’s turn you into a star.”
Since then, Arnold has given Eric feedback on all of his writing, correcting grammar and helping him make it gooder. In fact, Arnold will probably edit this piece of writing here, and it’s difficult to say whether all the changes the well-endowed, ruggedly-handsome editor makes will come without some self-serving agenda.
Arnold is also a mega-star like Joe, but in the film-world. He made a documentary about Eric called “Eric Rushton Won’t Die Alone”, which you can watch here.
Autumn 2017, and after spending his first year since graduating university living with his mum in a small town called Stone, Eric’s life wasn’t going anywhere.. One day he decided to up sticks and head for the coast, build a new life by the sea, where he could watch the waves and the waves could watch him. However, in his quest for the sea, he ended up in Birmingham, about as far away from it as you can get.
In Birmingham, Eric looked for a place to lodge and before long found himself at Palmer’s house in King’s Heath for a viewing. Almost immediately it was clear that the household could only be described as mental. He knocked on the door and the response was a loud barking noise. Palmer opened the door and said hello while holding back a Great Dane, the biggest dog Eric had ever seen, who was presumably the source of the barking rather than Palmer himself. Eric stepped inside the cluttered hallway and noticed a cat staring at him, and then another, and then another, and then anot—
“How many cats do you have in this house?”
“Eight, the last time I counted,” was Palmer’s response.
Palmer gave Eric a quick tour of the house and there was junk scattered about everywhere, sometimes cool stuff like old Macintosh computers, and sometimes less cool stuff like cat vomit. Palmer then offered Eric a beer and told him about his life while they sat in the living room watching the Simpsons on a giant projector screen. Palmer talks with no concept of linearity or coherence, going off on tangents of previous tangents and shifting back and forth in time, so Eric had didn’t know what he was going on about but by this point it was getting late, so he just decided to move in.
Eric still doesn’t have a fucking clue what Palmer’s talking about most of the time, but he’s been living in his house for around a year and thinks he’s a top bloke. They regularly drink beers together and watch comedy specials or UFO documentaries.
Rather than an actual person, Eric’s Girlfriend is more of a vacancy at the moment. The ideal candidate is someone who is proficient in Microsoft Office, particularly Microsoft Excel, and has at least one year’s experience as a Barista. She constantly validates Eric’s intelligence and physical appearance, both through verbal compliments and also body language that suggests she lives in near-constant awe of him. She is also very funny and intelligent herself. She reads books, which they then discuss together in bed before making passionate love. As time goes on, she will diverge from Eric’s idea of who she should be, and problems will start to arise. Their relationship will end in a bitter divorce and future stand-up specials will be spawned.