Updated: Jul 1, 2020
Hello everyone, I need a big big favour. Please keep reading if you think you’re someone that could likely help a poor boy in need. However, if you’re a selfish cretin that’s never done anything nice for another person in your life, I still think reading this could benefit you.
I need at least one of you – but preferably all of you – to remind me of some shit.
Firstly, can someone remind me what day Easter is this year? I’ve forgotten and tbh it does my head in how Easter floats about loads. Stick to your position, like all the other holidays. Do you think you’re Lionel Messi or something, Easter? Stop strolling about the field like you’re the star of the show. All you’re doing is messing up the formation of other holidays. Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday don’t know who to mark now in this convoluted football metaphor.
I don’t get it. Jesus, if you want people to remember you, make it easy for them. It’s terrible PR.
That’s not it though, I’ve got other reminders I need.
Like can someone remind me what the difference is between bio and non-bio washing detergent? I’m scared one of them will give me an itchy crotch and so every time I wash my underwear I call my mum up so she can explain and tbh I’m sick of having the same conversation every two months.
Oh and can someone else remind me what days the bins go out in Kings Heath? And what time Asda shuts on Sundays? And how long you’re allowed to leave a half-eaten tin of rice pudding in the fridge before eating it will give you violent diarrhoea?
That will all help me a lot. But, still, I need even more reminders.
Can someone remind me to be kind?
I forget this one a lot. I’m not sure why, because being nice feels inherently good whereas being a dickhead makes you feel bad. At best, it’s like getting drunk – there’s a euphoric feeling of triumph as you recklessly abandon acceptable behaviour, but when that feeling dies down you get a hangover that bounces back twice as strong. You wake up feeling terrible and it results in a spiral of self-hatred. And if you keep doing it then soon everyone who once loved you will abandon you and you’ll be like Kerry Katona (I’ve not finished working out this analogy yet – I’m gonna need you to remind me to keep working on my writing instead of lazily leaving the punchline as the first d-list celebrity that springs to mind).
But still, it’s so tempting to be mean when you’re having a bad day.
Actually, when I’m having a bad day, can someone remind me that a good day is around the corner? Can someone tell me that all moods are temporary and that happiness and sadness are like karma chameleons – they come and go, they come and go.
(Hey, that analogy is a bit better, I reckon. And funny. Remind me to give myself credit and I’ll remind you that it’s a reference to that Boy George song.)
I shouldn’t fear happiness or sadness, or judge myself on how often I feel either of these things. How I navigate and react to these states is the real test of my character. Being able to be grateful for the things I have, rather than moaning about what I don’t, will be a mark of maturity. I’m gonna need you to be reminding me of that as well please.
Remind me to lose myself, in the Eminem sense where I approach my pursuit of stand-up like an absolute G with fire in his belly, but also lose myself in the sense that I let go of my ego. Remind me that all my achievements aren’t really my own, they’re the result of thousands if not millions of interactions with other people – family, friends, strangers, basically everyone I’ve ever met who’s helped shape the person I am.
Remind me that some of the people who shape me will be people I have fallen in love with. Despite the pain it might lead to, romantic love is one of the best things that can happen. Never give up on love because it’s one of the most exciting things about life. It’s an emotion that inspires people to do heroic acts, make great art, and use aftershave.
Remind me when I’m going out looking for love to put on a nice shirt, look in the mirror, say, “Who’s shagging tonight?” followed by a wry smile and a swift, “You are, Eric.” It’s never worked but it’s pretty fun to do.
One day the ultimate tragedy will strike. The death of someone very close to me will happen and it’ll change my life forever. It will be sudden. One moment they’ll be there, the next moment they’ve choked to death on a Monster Munch (or, if they’re not my mate Joe, they might die in another way). I won’t be able to accept it. My pain will turn into bitterness. I’ll look at people in the world carrying on as normal and I will fill with anger. Remind me that it’s not their fault. Remind meof the reality of death.
I know I will want to go backwards to when this person was still around. Remind me to let go, that change is the essence of life, that more will inevitably pass. Remind me that as I get older, death will loom nearer and one day come for me too. But remind me that it hasn’t yet – that right now I’m alive, with you.
Remind me of what that means.
Remind me of the joys in life – books, films, deep chats, kissing, barbecues, laughter, fingering, to name just a few.
Remind me of when Football almost came home. How sick was that? Everyone was united.
Remind me that life is one big adventure.
Remind me to be a part of it.
And once you’ve reminded me of all that, do us one last favour and remind me to remind you.
Together we’ll make the world a nicer place.
Thanks for reading,
Oh, and can someone remind me when Pancake Day is? Please don’t tell me I missed it.
This is all Easter’s fault.
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