A Letter Of Love
Dear Carly From Work,
I am just writing to confess my profound love for you. I think you are very pretty and also you probably have a nice personality. Whenever you walk into the staff room, it just seems to light up – and that only makes it easier to see how peng you are.
Please walk into my world and light that up too. Metaphorically.
I know you don’t really know who I am, but from our few interactions it’s easy to see that our chemistry is unreal. And by that I mean it’s non-existent. But that doesn’t mean we can’t build it, together.
I am unlike any man you have ever met. I am kind and honest and funny and brave and at least four other things. I will always fight for us and I will never let anyone hurt you, unless they are stronger than me.
But if some meathead does attack you, I promise I will call the police IMMEDIATELY.
Ever since Rachel on reception told me you were the only single member of staff she could think of, I knew we were made for each other. If you feel the same way I do, then maybe we could go for a drink and take it from there. I am willing to take you to your nearest Wetherspoons and buy you two drinks (or anything under a maximum spend of £8).
I hope you take this letter seriously, because, apart from the time I tried to learn all the words to No One by Alicia Keys, I have never been more serious about anything in my entire life.
This may all sound crazy to you, but the people who turn out happy in life are the people who take risks (excluding gambling addicts). I spend so much of my life being a sad, lonely boy, but when I think of you it turns my moping into hoping. Hoping that you’ll take a chance on me – because I know you won’t regret it.
Please let me give to you the happiness and laughter I know you deserve.
I will even serenade you with No One by Alicia Keys.
Eric (Your not-so-secret admirer) xxxxxxxxx
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