• Eric Rushton

A Tittilating Semi

It’s the semi-final today and I’m shitting myself. There’s literally an exact clone of me coming through my bumhole right now – a brand-new Eric Rushton that will be equally nervous about the game and liable to shit another replica.


For those reading this in 50 years’ time in the posthumously released “The Complete Works of Eric Rushton: The Writings of a Comedian That Defined a Generation and Ended Global Poverty” I will give some context. Today at 8pm British Summer Time, England are playing Denmark in the Euro 2020 semi-final.


Again, for those reading in the future, this probably doesn’t seem like a huge deal. I imagine England used this tournament as a springboard and went on to dominate European and World football for decades to come, but from my perspective in the present, this is as big as it gets. I have never seen England in the final of a tournament. The last time it happened was 1966, and I love watching old footage of that win, but I want my own generation of heroes. I’m 25, so a lot of these boys are around my age. I feel connected to them. We grew up in the same era; we could’ve been at school together. Sure, they wouldn’t have been friends with me. Sure, they were probably would’ve been dickheads. Sure sure sure. But I still love them.


The winners from 1966 all seem like respectable, worldly gentleman in interviews.

Jack Grealish doesn’t know what an encyclopaedia is. That’s who I want as a role model. In an interview someone told him he’s like an encyclopaedia of football, and he said, “what’s that?” Love that. Genuinely. Love that he didn’t pretend to know either. I’m a lot dumber than I look and sometimes I don’t know obvious things like that. But if I was asked that question that I didn’t understand, I would’ve just been like, “Yeah.” I love that he didn’t give a fuck, because all he needs to know is how to perfectly chip the ball into the path of Harry Kane.


Also, it’d be nice for those remaining ’66 winners to see another England victory. Most of them haven’t got that long left; Bobby Charlton has Parkinson’s now, bless him. Let’s give him something to really shake about.


Imagine the scenes if we actually win. The whole country will be buzzing. When I was getting the bus home from town on Sunday, there were a group of lads repeatedly singing Three Lions for about 20 minutes. We hadn’t even played that day; they were just still ecstatic about the win on Saturday.


To be honest, their singing seemed to be pissing a lot of people on the bus off. A few people told them to shut up. There’s still a large proportion of people who couldn’t give a fuck about this England team, and I don’t really get that. It seems like such a unifying thing to have the team doing this well.


Even if you don’t like football, I say just jump on the bandwagon now. Because honestly, it’s mint. You don’t need to know anything about football to enjoy a big game like tonight’s. Just know that if the ball goes past the Denmark keeper and into the goal then it means every problem in the world is solved and we can be ecstatic.


I hope it’s a positive result. I’m very superstitious so I’m gonna be wearing the same England top I’ve been wearing all tournament. It has a pasta sauce stain on it but I’m worried if I wash it then it will affect the result. I don’t want to change anything, the conditions need to be exactly the same. I have unresolved mental health issues that are deeply damaging to my interpersonal relationships on a daily basis, but I will not even think about seeking help until the end of the Euros just in case I jinx it.


Right, I have nothing left to say except this:


COME ON ENGLAND!


See you all on the other side x




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