It’s been a week since I burst onto the blog writing scene with my hilarious piece about Fantasy Football. I already feel as though I’ve revolutionised blogging; I’ve completely changed the game and pretty much achieved all I need to achieve in this medium. Nevertheless I thought I would still try and write something once a week so here you are.
When I was trying to come up with ideas for things to write about this week, I got bored and then realised that writing is pointless and shit and annoying. But then I went outside and realised that everything is pointless and shit and annoying, and that I might as well stay inside and write a blog. I don’t really have anything interesting to say about anything so I’m just going to tell you what I did this week.
My week started off badly as I listened to a podcast about how artificial intelligence is inevitably going to develop to a superhuman level and destroy humanity. This scared the shit out of me (which was helpful as I was actually quite badly constipated at the time) and now I can barely sleep at night. I looked on the internet and loads of smart people seemed to be saying the same thing, so then I started panicking. I watched some Labour leadership debates to try and calm myself down because Jeremy Corbyn is my fucking hero and seeing his face makes everything alright. I was thinking if he’s elected then he could figure out a way to protect us against the robots: he could nationalise them or maybe just kick the shit out of them with quantitative easing or something.
SUPER HIGHBROW SATIRE SECTION
I started to wonder why no one was asking about artificial intelligence in the debates. So then I imagined what would happen if they did.
Jeremy Corbyn: The issue of ISIL is very complicated, and the way we solve it is not by bombing but by…
Krishnan Guru-Murphy: (interrupting) I’ll stop you there as we need to make time for this next topic. A lot of people want to know, if elected, how you would deal with the very real threat of robots destroying mankind.
Jeremy Corbyn: (says something that makes sense)
Yvette Cooper: I disagree with Jeremy. We need an alternative to George Osborne’s plans –but it has to be credible.
Liz Kendall: (fake weird cockney accent that she thinks makes her seem normal) Oooooh my name’s Liz, I’ll just say the same thing as Yvette.
Andy Burnham: I’m from the North.
Fin.
I went to my brother’s barbecue in Sheffield on Sunday to celebrate him passing his masters because he’s an absolute boss. It was difficult because there were other people there and I’m terrible at talking to other people. I’m not a big fan of socialising: it’s not as though I like being by myself, because I don’t, it’s awful, I’m a prick, it’s just that being with other people is even worse. I hate being stuck in an awkward, stilted conversation – it just makes me want to vomit. The worst thing is that you see these pricks that can talk to anyone and are the life and soul of the party. I started to wonder about where this wealth of conversational ability comes from, and figured it was probably something you’re born with. Thinking made me hungry and anxious at the same time so I grabbed a burger and then went inside and watched Super Sunday on my phone. Then I realised I was destroying at fantasy football (yet again) so I smiled because I was happy.
Rocked up to Manchester on Monday to do a gig. I was pretty nervous about it because it was a gong show at the Frog and Bucket. I did the same gig a few months ago and bombed horrifically: I got under 2 minutes before being gonged off and I just wanted to go home and eat Malteasers and never talk to anyone again. Anyway, this time it actually went well and I won the gong show – which made me feel bare happy.
Writing about stuff going well isn’t that funny though so I’m just going to end it there.
Cya.
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