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Fantasy Football: Mein Kampf

Updated: Jul 2, 2020

Hello there, I have decided to start a blog as means to share new ideas and engage with issues that are close to my heart. Statistically speaking, most people would start off by rattling off some bullshit about themselves and who they are; however, I would like to start by making an apology. Over the last few weeks I, along with some of my closest friends from the Warwick Comedy Society, have been competing with each other in our shitly-named fantasy football league “The Barclays Premierskit”. Due to me being an absolute fucking genius, I have been top of the league every single week so far and I fear that there is a growing tension between me and my rivals. Here is how I would like to respond:

Dear Friends,

Over the last few weeks, as you are well aware, an almost embarrassing chasm has emerged at the top of our league table. As the cause of this, a burgeoning sense of anger and resentment towards me seems to be developing. I fear this is a result of jealousy and low levels of vitamin D. For this I would like to say I am truly sorry.

Becoming a major player in this contest has resulted in what can only be described as “smear campaigns” against me. Many of you have suggested that my transfer policies lack economic credibility and that a man whose favourite actor is Kevin James can’t be trusted with £100m. However, this argument is simply disingenuous – economists and football connoisseurs will tell you that adoring “Big Kev” is actually a mainstream progressive viewpoint.

Secondly, people have been portraying my tactics as some sort of archaic throwback to the 1980s. “4-4-2 was widely rejected back then and we have to look forwards now,” cunts everywhere are saying. As the fictional Mike Bassett would attest, this is complete twaddle and only the kind of people who can listen to Andy Townsend without self-harming would suggest otherwise.

Most people agree with what I am saying and that is why I am leading this race. I don’t do personal attacks and my style of management is built on ideas and a new way of thinking about fantasy football. I am someone with a clear vision about how things should be run, and I refuse to be held back by the dogma that says Nathan Redmond can’t be part of a title-winning side.

I am always open to new ideas to overcome the troubles facing us. For example, I would like to propose a “stupid fuckers only league”. This would allow stupid fuckers like you to be segregated into a separate league where you can actually compete and be free of the harassment you face on a weekly basis.

Ultimately, I hope when this is all over, and I am crowned God of Football, that we can move on and be friends.

Yours sincerely,

Eric “Top of The League” Rushton



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