• Eric Rushton

Left To My Own Devices

Updated: Jul 2, 2020

My Facebook feed has been inundated with posts about the EU referendum, and posts about Brexit have followed a similar trajectory to the TV series Big Brother – very interesting and compelling at first, but has now just descended into watching people go on hysterical rants and accusing each other of being racist. I was in two minds whether to write anything about Brexit, but then I remembered the sense of regret and emptiness I felt when I didn’t write any jokes about the 5p plastic bag charge and thought it would be silly to make myself go through that again.


A lot of the people who voted Leave were working class people who didn’t really have much to lose. It’s difficult for someone to care about it being harder for them to travel to Europe when their lives are so miserable that they can barely motivate themselves to travel to the nearest food bank. For a lot of people, the most appealing thing about Europe is Dignitas – and Switzerland isn’t even in the EU. I voted Remain, so I am disappointed, but I think the negative impact of this result will probably be overshadowed by other terrible things that will happen in the next few years anyway; I’m sure we’ll all have been drowned by rising sea levels before we even notice that Pâté has become more expensive.


Some people have said that older people shouldn’t have been able to vote in this referendum as it takes about 2 years to actually leave the EU and all people over the age of 65 will have died by then anyway. Paxman asked Sheila Hancock (who is 83) about this on the Channel 4 debate, implying that she would probably be dead in a few years and I thought it was well brutal. It was like when you see someone tell a young child that Santa isn’t real, it was so sad and I just wanted to kiss her on her decrepit little forehead and make her feel better.


Watching the debates made me realise there were some dickheads on both sides so I’ve tried to console myself with the fact that at least some dickheads will be upset now. I do a similar thing whenever England lose at football: I imagine a little bald right wing EDL-type football hooligan crying himself to sleep as he blames England’s weak defence on faceless bureaucrats in Brussels.


I always get excited about international football tournaments because I’m not good at doing anything myself, so I like the fact that if England do well I can take pride in their achievement. My expectations are quite low though so I don’t think I’ll be too miserable if we don’t do well.  I’ll just be sad for a bit and move on, like when you go to the supermarket and you forget to bring any bags – which is annoying because then you have to buy one because they’ve started to charge for plastic bags now.


I finished my exams recently, so I’ve had a lot of free time and I’m struggling to motivate myself to do things. I never really spend my free time wisely; I normally just waste it indulging in self hatred. Part of me misses the stress of exams as it stopped me focusing on other negative things in my life, like my perpetual feeling of inadequacy or the fact that I keep finding slugs in my room. I think I’m stuck in a bit of a rut and I need a new hobby to give me a bit of purpose; right now my only real hobby is waiting for people I hate to say stupid things so I can hate them even more – and sometimes Eamonn Holmes doesn’t tweet that much.


Wait, no, that was stupid. I hate myself.


Anyway, that’s about it.


Cya x


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