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Milk and Other Things

Updated: Jul 2, 2020

Here’s some stuff that’s happened recently.

Last Wednesday was shaping up to be a very forgettable day: nothing was happening, I felt like I was stuck inside season two of Homeland. I just wanted something to happen to break up the monotony of scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed.  That’s why I was really happy when my mum sent me out to get some milk. To be honest, I was just happy she trusted me. I felt really proud because she knows I can’t do anything, yet she still believed in me to go and get some milk without fucking it up. I’m quite an incompetent person – I can’t multitask, I can’t even task – so it was quite a lot of pressure.

I went the long way to the shop so I could listen to a podcast. I like listening to a podcasts because it’s like being in a conversation where there’s no pressure to talk; which is ideal for me because I don’t think I’ve ever successfully participated in a conversation, I just tend to ruin them by breaking the silence with opinions I don’t really have. Eventually I got to the shop, meaning I had to stop listening to the podcast because I needed to concentrate on not fucking the milk thing up. When I was at the milk aisle, I started to think that 89p seemed quite cheap for four pints of milk. I remembered there was something in the news recently about how farmers aren’t getting paid fairly for their milk, so I started to get anxious that this purchase might not be ethical; but then I remembered that I really like eating cereal, so I stopped worrying about it. I bought the milk and walked home feeling like I’d really achieved something great. I didn’t even continue playing the podcast because I wanted to spend the walk reminiscing about how much I’d just nailed buying four whole pints of milk.

I travelled down to London the next day to see Marc Maron with some friends. I kind of have mixed feelings about London: on the one hand it’s a city full of opportunities and a melting pot of different cultures. On the other hand, it’s really fucking busy. On the train journey down there, which was two hours long, I had a vague feeling that I was struggling to breathe and I felt as though I was having the world’s most elongated panic attack. Anyway, I felt alright when I got to London and Marc Maron was amazing.  He was really in control and the whole atmosphere in the room was really relaxed. More importantly though, he was really fucking funny and I felt quite inspired watching him.

When I arrived home the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to eat some Nutella. I got to the kitchen and realised some dickhead had put it in the fridge (refrigerator) so I had to take it out and leave it to thaw. I started reading a book by Naomi Klein about global warming. In the book she talks about how capitalism in its current form is destroying the planet; I found this annoying, but I was also annoyed that the free market couldn’t heat up my chocolate spread by a few degrees. I’m quite worried about climate change, but I compare it to The X Factor – I know it exists, and that it’s probably detrimental to humanity as a whole, it’s just I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I had an Idea that maybe our financial system is like an orange that’s past its sell by date; it’s going a bit mouldy but the Establishment are trying all they can to preserve it. The solution: BUY A NEW FUCKING ORANGE YOU FRUGAL CUNTS*.

Met a couple of brothers in Manchester on Saturday to watch a comedy show. The last time I saw one of them, he told me my belt looked like a dog-toy, so I wore a different one this time. I was really hungry when I got to Manchester so I went to a takeaway and got a burger. I ordered a large burger and they gave me what looked like a regular sized burger, I didn’t complain though because I think you’ve got to pick your battles. The show was really good, but on the train back to my brother’s there were a group of women drinking alcohol through straws that were made to look like penises. I found this really strange, but then I noticed I’d been staring at them for a while so I decided to look down at my feet for the rest of the journey.

Lastly, I did a gig on Monday in Birmingham. It went averagely I think. I don’t really have much to say about it, but thought it would be weird to leave it out since stand up is the main thing I like doing in life (probably more of a comment on how shit everything else is though).

Anyway, that’s about it.


*This is really not a very good analogy at all. When you think about it, it falls apart almost completely. I guess I just really like oranges though.


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