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Once Bitter, Twice Dry

Updated: Jul 2, 2020

I’ve been trying to worry less about people’s perception of me recently, and I thought it’d be a good idea to mention it at the top of this blog so I could be safe in the knowledge that people knew about it.

I feel inadequate a lot of the time and that’s probably because I know a lot of people who are better at life than me.  A lot of my friends are more talented and attractive than me and it results in too much resentment and jealousy. I don’t like being bitter – I want to be the source of someone else’s bitterness. People only really respect people who they hate a bit and so I want my friends to absolutely despise me, but they seem to quite like me and I find it really insulting. I guess I just want people to think I’m cool and misunderstood – but not just because I have good air conditioning and I mumble a lot.

I think the heatwave has been a real positive for me as it’s made worrying about how pointless everything is too exhausting –  all I’ve been able to think about recently is how much I want ice cream. It’s been hard to care about anything other than the weather, it was so hot the other day that I’m sure even Jeremy Corbyn would’ve voted in favour of renewing Trident if it had been in exchange for a Magnum*.

Labour are in disarray at the moment and, after the Chilcot report, I find it fitting that the right of the party’s attempts to restore harmony in Labour by plunging it into chaos is actually quite an apt metaphor for how they dealt with Iraq.  It’s hard to know what’s best for Labour; personally, I’d let Big Sam have a go at being in charge as I think it would be refreshing to have a front bench consisting entirely of Bolton Wonderers’ 2004-05 Premier League squad. I’d love to see new Shadow Chancellor Jay-Jay Okocha take Philip Hammond to task on fiscal austerity.

At the moment, Jeremy Corbyn does actually seem a bit like football manager who’s lost the support of his players. Except in this case, instead of being sacked, the manager will probably end up staying. Most of the players will then fuck off, while Diane Abbott is left to play in nearly every position, demonstrating her John O’Shea-like versatility.

The world seems very chaotic right now and watching the news makes me quite angry, but there’s something captivating about it. I get a similar feeling whenever I watch the TV series Catchphrase: when I turn it on I always think, “this is terrible” but then 5 minutes later I’m gripped. I find myself screaming things at the TV like “IT’S CLEAN AS A WHISTLE YOU MORON!” and “THE PARTY WOULD BE UNITED IF YOU JUST SUPPORTED HIM YOU PRICKS!”; my anger will then intensify before quickly being dissolved by Stephen Mulhern’s trademark wry sense of humour.

I wish Stephen Mulhern presented the news – he reminds me of my childhood; of a simpler time when terrorist attacks didn’t seem routine and before Jade Goody was racist. Or dead.

Anyway, that’s about it.

Cya x

*Not the ice-cream, I just think he’d probably rather shoot himself at this point.


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