I don’t know if I actually want to do it or if I just want someone to list all the reasons why I shouldn’t.
I know that list wouldn’t work in the long-term. But maybe it would tide me over for a couple of days; I could remember someone’s kind words for a bit until my mind inevitably drifts to the same place again.
It’s tough init. Also, people say it’s fine to talk about it these days, but it’s not really is it? It may be that people will hear you out, but they don’t do it without making negative judgements, whether consciously or not. Society makes a big song and dance about how compassionate it is towards people with your feelings, but first you have to be labelled to make it clear how you’re feeling isn’t the norm. You become someone who’s going through a thing. Someone who’s a bit mental and not thinking straight at the moment. People find you less attractive, less fun to be around; the subtle differences in their behaviour towards you reflect a much bigger change in their perception of you. So it makes you feel even worse about your life. It only makes you want to do it more.
I bet you, my dear readers, my OGs, the people I feel I can be most honest with in the world – I bet even you’re a little uncomfortable with what I’m writing about right now. And I haven’t even said it explicitly. I’ve just sort of tiptoed around it because it’s too intense to type directly that I want to do it. Even on a blog where I’ve told you pretty much all my darkest thoughts, I can’t bring myself to type the words that will show you how I’m feeling; I have to express myself in a way that keeps you comfortable. I have to have your emotional state in mind. Why can’t I just be honest?
The thought of it isn’t always this intense, and maybe I’ll regret writing this in a couple of days when my head’s calmed down, but it’s been screaming at me in the last week or so. And I know we should be way past this stage by now, but a massive part of the guilt I’m experiencing for feeling like this is due to the fact I’m a man. Logically it makes no difference, but I feel like people think I should be able to put it out of mind and just get on with it. Don’t be silly, Eric, just crack on. But I can’t.
And here’s the weird thing: no one ever EVER says you should do it. How mental is that when you think about it? Really, people should hear you out and be like “it’s up to you mate.” Society allows people to have different opinions on other big questions. But not on this, there’s only one correct answer – don’t do it. Don’t do it because it will impact your friends and family for the rest of their lives. Don’t do it because it’s selfish.
Well obviously it’s fucking selfish, but why can’t I be selfish for once?
So you know what?
I’m gonna do it. I’m just gonna fucking do it.
I’m gonna become a dinner lady.
------------------------------------------
If you enjoyed this post, please consider donating to Eric
- he's very poor, so any amount is greatly appreciated.
